No doubt Off Menu appeared in your Spotify Wrapped Top 5 Podcasts of the year so you’ll know the form. On each episode, cheese-obsessed Ed and sweet-toothed James invite a guest into their Dream Restaurant and ask them for their perfect starter, main course, side dish, dessert and drink.
So, since it’s the Percival Christmas lunch this week, we thought we’d ask Ed and James to metaphorically shove their hands up the turkey of chat and scoop out the innards of comedy.
James, Ed – welcome. Nice t-shirts. Let’s plan your dream Christmas lunch. We’re thinking: “festive with a twist.” Usual Off Menu rules apply. Go.
Ed: Cheese board
James: Snowball Supreme
Ed: Wheel of brie
James: Reindeer terrine
James: Sugared elf
James: Tinsel smoothie
And yes, James, there is a full cheese plate. It’s Christmas.
James: Fuck you.
You’re very welcome. You each get to bring a guest from your podcast. Who are you bringing, and why?
Ed: Miriam Margolyes. You always need someone to start the farts.
James: The Great Benito because he’s so jolly just like Father Christmas.
We’ve had a sneak peek and the Christmas cracker jokes aren’t up to much. (Example: Q. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? A. Elf-is Presley. See?) Got any better ones?
Ed: Who is Santa’s Favourite Singer? Turkey Presley
James: Nah that’s great. Very very funny.
Hmm. What’s the dress code?
Ed: Putting the fun in funeral. Black suit but with a tinsel tie.
James: Dress code is cool. I then dress head to toe in Off Menu Percival collab wear.
You’ve understood the assignment here, James. OK, you’ve got control of the office Spotify. What are you sticking on for the occasion?
Ed: The Off Menu podcast but I turn it down for all James’s bits.
James: The Off Menu podcast.
Shameless. Secret Santa time. Ed, you’ve drawn our boss Chris Gove. James, you’ve got Ed. (What are the chances!) Price limit is £20. What are you getting?
Ed: A pack of cigs and 4 strawberry yogs.
James: Percival vouchers.
We’re wrapping the presents (i.e. some stuff we found in the office). So everyone’s getting an embroidered Percival x Off-Menu t-shirt! Got a favourite?
Ed: The Pizza Faces. Being cheese is my dream.
James: You bet I do! Ice cream 4 life!
If you were going to smother your faces in pizza toppings, what would they be?
Ed: Pineapple. It doesn’t belong on pizza but what a refreshing face mask!
James: Chocolate spread and marshmallow.
If you were to come up with your own flavour of Ed & James ice cream, what flavour would it be?
Ed: Cheese and biscuits (cheesecake topping with digestive chunks).
James: Ed would taste like Ben and I would taste like Jerry.
Best Christmas movie/TV to pass out in front of with a food coma?
Ed: Mama Santa’s XXXmas Gangbang 7
James: Off Menu.
Oh. Forgot to ask you for your favourite side dish.
James: A single cranberry
Cranberry? Get out! But also, Merry Christmas.